Boyfriend's previous date causes ongoing anguish

DEAR CHERYL: I have a problem that threatens to break up my relationship because I just can't seem to leave it alone. When my boyfriend and I met, I was dating someone else casually. My boyfriend and I were friends first, and because of that, he told me when a girl approached him and he started dating her. Long story short -- after a while, I ditched my other guy, and my boyfriend dated me and this other girl for about three weeks and then we became exclusive. He hasn't talked to the other girl since.

He does so many thoughtful things for me, like getting me my favorite coffee, candy and flowers; making me breakfast; taking me out, and bringing me my favorite soup if I'm sick. He went to the DMV with me while I got a new driver's license. He's the sweetest guy ever and obviously cares about me a lot.

Even so, every so often I'll pick a fight because he dated someone while he dated me. I know this isn't fair because I dated someone else while I was first dating him. But I constantly wonder if he liked her better than me because he started dating her first.

I realize this is crazy. The second I told him I wanted to be exclusive, he dropped the other girl immediately. Yet I'll question him, saying, "If your first date with her was so horrible, why did you keep dating her?" and, "If you didn't feel a connection, why did you get physical?" Then we have a huge fight and both feel terrible.

How can I erase her from my memory and just concentrate on my relationship with my boyfriend?

STUCK IN THE PAST

DEAR STUCK IN THE PAST: Are you sure you want to be happy with your boyfriend and take it to the next step? Or are you afraid? You're doing everything humanly possible to sabotage the relationship, and I wonder why. Are you afraid of being hurt? Have you been hurt before in relationships when you let yourself get too close? Does this feel like an old pattern that's playing itself out?

Have you considered going to a therapist? I hate to see you lose a great guy because you're afraid to be happy. Please see somebody, and let me know what happens. Good luck! Don't let this one get away!

DEAR CHERYL: I'm a clean-cut 41-year-old man with a good job and a college education. I work out, still have all my hair and am 6 feet tall. I could pass for 34.

I'm tired of sitting home alone on Saturday nights. But I have a hard time meeting women. I work Sundays, so church is out. I don't smoke or drink, so the bar scene is out. I've tried going to bookstores, the grocery store and the gym to meet women with no luck. I'm out of ideas. Can you help me?

ALONE

DEAR ALONE: You're going to all the right places, but are you doing any of the right things? Just going someplace doesn't automatically mean you'll meet a woman. You need to strike up a conversation and expect to be shot down 10 times for every time you make a connection. And have you tried coed sports teams? But whatever you do, you have to make more of an effort than just showing up.

If it's difficult for you to make small talk, there are books and courses that can help you. There's no reason for you to be alone. Get out there, and make something happen! And stay in touch!

Got a problem? Send it to cheryllavin @aol.com. To find out more about Cheryl Lavin, visit www.creators.com.